Are you affectionate? Possibly not. Affection means different things to different people. Some suggest that it is a non-sexual attraction. Others, that it is just compatibility. Yet again a few refer to it as a relationship that is ‘cool’ or tepid. If you have not worked out what affection means to you, I beg you to do so. Affection is life’s big reward.
You may discover that what affection means to you is a surprise. Does it play quite a big part in your life? We have many acquaintances, all of whom we feel privileged to know and for all of whom we have good desires. We probably have only a few friends. I have a habit of feeling lonely, something I don’t care for and try to discipline myself to avoid. My mother’s premature death contributed to this, I am sure. Low self-esteem, not receiving much love when young, fear of rejection plus bizarre cultural expectations of a British Middle Class boy in the 1930s and 1940s formed my need for – and ability to accept – affection.
We live when we live and we get what we get. Some good, some not so good. Not growing up in an ideal environment ironically offers greater opportunities than being pampered. You have to make your own decisions and learn when mistakes follow them.
What is your aim for how affectionate you should be and how affectionate you want others to be with you? You might think about your answer to this question before you read on. If you are not good at receiving or giving affection you are missing one of the greatest gifts life can offer. So powerful that even when a body or soul has been severely trammelled it can derive joy by receiving affection.
Here’s a little test for you to see how easily you receive and give affection.
Mark yourself on a scale of 1 to 11 where 1 is ‘not at all’ and 11 is ‘totally’:
[1] How comfortable are you if someone other than family expresses affection for you?
[2] How comfortable are you when someone touches you in a non-sexual way?
[3] How much do you show supportive empathy when it is needed?
[4] How well do you accept compliments and emotional support when offered?
[5] Are you comfortable when people you don’t know well talk about your feelings?
This test is a very simple one. It does not dig deeply into your consciousness. So you won’t read anything profound from it. It will simply help you to see how your relationships are faring. It will also help you to understand your motivations, values and experiences. From it you may see patterns of behaviour that you want to change.
What’s your total score? Congratulate yourself if it’s 40+. Ask why, if it’s lower.
If you do not have a few affectionate relationships you should pay attention to how you use time. Affection seeks a more measured approach than skimming through incoming emails. A well-prepared, slow-cooked meal tastes better than a microwaved miracle.
As part of the effort to compensate for the chilly indifference of AI – true whatever its words sound like – perhaps we will pay more attention to the issue of being affectionate.
It’s not just giving it, though. It’s appreciating it.
Those who learn to receive well learn how to give well, too.
Good morning
John Bittleston
You can always send the results of your simple test to [email protected].
We won’t say anything profound about it but we will give you a view.
13 October 2025
