Your records may become a vital part of dealing with a bully. Keep detailed notes and copies of documents of any requests, responses, confusion or aggression between you and the bully. There may also be some documents or notes of his or her dealings with others – but handle your case first. It is the one you know most about.
There are two bits of equipment you need if you are being bullied: (i) a recording device – see note 1 after this article (ii) a mirror. The mirror is for seeing yourself. I’ll tell you how to use the recording device shortly. You also need guts. You DON’T need a knuckleduster or pistol.
If you are being bullied you must remain calm and realise that the bully is in a worse state than you. That doesn’t need to make you sympathetic, just aware. Look in the mirror and ask yourself some questions:
(a) Am I encouraging bullying by displaying weakness, being submissive or irritating the bully? Or by phony kowtowing? Be honest. If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you have a problem too. Getting control of that problem is a prerequisite to dealing with a bully.
(b) Is the bully sick, physically or mentally? You won’t know this for sure but you can make a reasonable guess. Persuading them to see a doctor might not be easy but it won’t be as difficult as getting them to walk into a psychiatrist’s. However, telling someone gently that you are worried about their health can be done in a way that is caring rather than accusing. Many people are mentally disturbed now, maybe through a post-Covid physical cause or simply by social media putting it all in-your-face.
(c) What does the bully want from bullying you? What’s in it for the bully? The answer is control – but why? To force you to quit? To see you distressed? It is not essential to know the answer to this question – but if you do you can sharpen your reaction. Mostly bullies want personal reassurance and think they can get it by force. Some do but control comes mostly from agreement. Many people have forgotten that.
Start by asking for a chat with your bully. We’ll assume it is your boss. Seek an informal discussion with him/her. If they ask ‘what about’ say ‘my future’. It is unlikely that they will want to record the conversation but in case they do take your own recorder. If they are going to record it you are entitled to do so too. At this stage avoid recording unless s/he insists.
Prepare yourself thoroughly for this talk. What do you want to achieve? Agreement may seem unlikely but that is your objective and everything you do and say must point to it. List the things that are bugging you, business matters first, personal matters last. Present them all as things you ‘don’t quite understand and seek clarification on’. Be polite. Never interrupt the other person – or people, if your boss brings someone from HR. If your boss cuts short the meeting, ask politely but firmly that you continue it at another time. Arrange the time now.
If the second meeting is just a continuation of the previous meeting, because it was cut short, handle it on the same terms. If it is a meeting to move matters further, take your recorder, put it on the desk, switch it on and then ask if you may record the meeting so that you can reflect on what your boss is telling you. The answer you get will be recorded. If the answer is no, switch off and put the recorder away. You now have a recording of being told you cannot record the discussion. If the answer is yes, ask if your boss would like a copy.
Do not get exasperated by your boss. It is likely that is just what s/he wants. If you do, it is a loss for you. Remain polite, cool, and SMILE when it will be seen as a pleasant gesture, not a rude rebuff. If your boss gets noisy or rude, you win by remaining calm. You must tell the bully how you expect him or her to behave. You will do this politely, explaining that you will show the same behaviour yourself. It is important that you record this message as you deliver it.
How pushy should you get? Obviously you have to be reading your boss every second of these discussions and there are many ways to react. Roleplays are the best way to prepare. The most important thing is to know at what stage you must become visibly firmer. It won’t always be necessary, but with most bullies there comes a time when assertion has to nudge its way into slight verbal aggression. Be prepared and strong for this moment. It is the most important of your exchanges in dealing with a bully.
If the bully says HR will deal with it, say that you would prefer to deal with (the bully) rather than HR. If the bully insists, say “In that case, I would like to talk to (the bully’s boss)? I feel the matter is important enough to escalate it.” see note 2 after this article.
If the bully says s/he will call in a Mediator, ask who the mediator will be. A crony of the boss may leave you worse off. You have as much right to nominate the Mediator as your boss. Stick to that right until you are completely comfortable with who the Mediator is.
No brief guidelines can comprehensively cover the issue of How to handle a bully. The best way to prepare for this traumatic business is to have a few roleplays. If well-written they work brilliantly. They also give you the confidence essential for a tough task.
Good luck. It’s time to stop bullies – totally.
Good morning
John BIttleston
Note 1: You could use your mobile phone but small digital recorders are cheap now and to have one for this difficult exercise puts you at a significant advantage.
Note 2: HR can be helpful. Unfortunately they often lack the authority to make decisions. At this stage of negotiations be wary of getting sidelined. You need to speak to the boss or to the boss’s boss, with or without HR present. If they are present your recording becomes even more important.
Terrific Mentors International coaching is mostly done by roleplay.
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26 December 2024
